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jelloitsaliiive
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Name: jelloitsaliiive
Gender: Male
Interests: Comic cooks
Expertise: Annoying people, Putting myself down
Occupation: Student; Writer; Musician
Message: message me
Member Since:
5/31/2003
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| Don't know if its a side effect of the combination of all the medications I've recently been taking or if I'm simply getting more crazy, but the last few nights I've been frantically waking up in a panic believing that I'm on fire.
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| So, I've been particularly emotional/moody for the last few weeks. I haven't had a positive/productive means of expressing myself. Actually, the more correct thing to say is that I haven't taken steps to be productive about the things going on in my life.
Recently, I've come to the realization that I am not a good musician. I'm not too creative in that department. Writing with melodies and rhythm is not natural to me. I tend to favor a certain pace when playing that doesn't seem to agree with what I'm trying to express. However, I still enjoy the process of writing words.
I was stuck in some ass-rape traffic this afternoon. Instead of concentrating on the road and safety, I pondered about why I don't write anymore. Throughout high school and college I enjoyed creative writing. I wrote a lot of short stories and poetry. It all kind of withered away as I was waiting for slow-ass Gil to draw the G-Raff comic. G-Raff was my main creative outlet for a long time, but Gil has killed that for the moment as he drags his ass on drawing the book. Anyway... I'm deviating from my original thought here... I decided today I will be writing poetry again. ( I would say I'll start writing short stories again, but quite frankly, I'm lazy and that requires too much work.)
To take it a step further, I want to start doing more with my art. I want art to be more of a habit than a hobby. Either on Wednesday or Saturday, I plan to start going to art class/workshop to tone up my skills.
My hope is to have a good chunk of material in a few months. My goal is to pick out the best and put together a small book of poetry with art to accompany some of the words. Ideally some of the poetry will inspire the art and vise versa.
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| I guess I should start at the beginning of my problems:
So up until late August, my relationship with Christina just felt like a generic boyfriend/girlfriend experience. We went down to San Diego for the weekend. It was there and then, I had that "feeling" everyone talks about. I was finally at absolute peace and didn't want that to go away. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that sense of love and peace. It kind of freaked me out at first because I personally never saw myself ever getting married. Not that I oppose marriage. I just oppose weddings because... well.. they're expensive and boring. I never understood the point of starting a life with someone by creating debt. But I don't know, I just felt that she deserved one if she wanted. The more I thought about it, I myself started to get excited about the idea.
Since I was recently laid off and went back to the lifestyle of being a poor college student, I decided to sell the majority of my comic collection. For about a month, I sorted through and organized all the books I've compiled for the last decade. I had about 9 long boxes (roughly 3000 books) ready to go.
For the last two years, on special occasions and surprises, I'd like to think that I was able to think of something cool then elevated it to the next level of awesomeness. So anyway, I had my next month or so planned. I wanted to go to the comic store and try to get the best price for my books. Then do the rest on (fe)ebay. Afterward, use the cash to go ring shopping. During thanksgiving weekend, I planned to ask for her parents blessing. December 5th was planned to be the proposal day. That's her birthday, which is also the anniversary of our first date/kiss. By chance one of our favorite bands is playing a show that day. I bought tickets for us (and a few extras for her friends so they'd be able to witness in jealousy what I had planned). Secretly, I've been in contact with the band through email. They agreed to let me come up on stage and propose to her before they played her favorite song.
That was my ideal plans to wrap up the year. Of course, the conspiracy that is my life, it did work out. Last week, she decided she didn't want this relationship anymore. After a long talk, she revealed to me that she wasn't in the relationship for the right reasons and had different plans. Sometimes my mind is surprised how different we perceived things. I suppose this is a testament of how communication in a relationship is important. A lot of times, she was failing to honestly disclose to me which made think everything was fine when things weren't. A part of me is pretty pissed off due to the fact that I invested so much time, money and effort into everything. Then again, I'm thankful I know how she feels now - saved me a lot of embarrassment at the show and an awkward drive home too.
I hope that she finds whatever it is she thought was missing. And I hope I could find what I thought I had. For now, I'll begin my search at the bottom of bottles.
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| "Landmines, landslides no matter how I try
I'm destined for disaster; a failure by design
Landmines, landslides every single time
I'm destined for disaster
I'm trapped on every side"
No truer words can be spoken about my life. Elaboration to come when I feel stable enough.
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| Since the very beginning of summer (perhaps even before then) I've been really wanting to go to Knotts Berry Farm. Unlike a normal person, I didn't decide "Hey, let's go next Thursday". Instead, I sat down and thought out when it would be ideal to go. I wanted to go when it wasn't crowded and bloody hot.
Doing research on their website and reviewing their annual attendance records, I figured that September is one of the slower months. On top of that, Wednesday (on average) was the slowest day. I figured the later I can go in September would be best to try and estimate a cooler temperature. Also, on a Wednesday held the chance that potential visitors to the park had another recreational option to choose from - the county fair. Lastly, it needed to be a date that was before I started school and after everyone else normally starts school (also before they start doing decorations and prep for Halloween).
My ideal date was Wednesday, September 16th.
I waited all summer for it. Then the night before, I learned part of my party that would accompany me was no longer available. The next morning an hour beforehand, everyone else canceled. So I pissed off the whole morning and rest of the day knowing that I had wasted my plans. A beautiful day out too - a nice 82 compared to the week prior's 104. I considered going by myself, but decided it was already late in the day to go since they close early.
Later I learned that the one ride I wanted to ride, Xcelerator, had malfunctioned and sent two riders to the hospital. Apparently a cable snapped as the coaster ascended one of the hills. That very well could have been me considering the low number of visitors to the park on that day. In one hand I'm kind of glad because I didn't get hurt. In the other, I'm kind of sad I missed out on hitting the negligence lotto.
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